Reconciliation with self

Recently, in two seemingly different contexts, I've been struck by the idea of reconciliation.

The first instance was in reading When Helping Hurts in preparation for a book club night at my church. I still haven't finished this book but even in the first part the authors conceptualize poverty in a way that is still transforming my views. They point out that as a result of the fall, we are in a state of poverty in 4 ways and are in need of reconciliation in all those ways.

Reconciliation is needed in our relationships with 

God, ourselves, others, and the rest of creation. 

Therefore, our approach to those who are materially poor should be more of an "us" approach rather than a "provider-receiver" relationship. Pretty profound shift in my thinking about how to help others. I have to have a stronger grasp on how I need reconciled in one of these four areas (or all of them!) as I work WITH the materially poor and realize they can help me just as much, in different ways. 

The second instance in which I explored reconciliation was this past weekend when I went to Well of Mercy for a 24 hour retreat. I learned of this retreat center a few years ago when some friends from my church went. It is a sweet place run by nuns in the order Sisters of Mercy and only about an hour away from Winston-Salem. 

This place is sacred space and I went as a personal challenge to engage with God in silence and prayer as part of my 30 before I'm 30 list. Once I got there I learned one of their main purposes is for people to have space to reconcile with themselves. It's actually listed in the guide that talking with others is discouraged and it is an atmosphere of "working silence" where people are actively listening to God and even to their own hearts. I can't say what happens for everyone who goes to the Well, but my time there was glorious and restorative. 

I turned down a gravel road according to my GPS that would take me to the well. I had to slow to only 20mph and still turned up dust in my wake. There were only 2 more turns and past some grazing horses before I saw the sign saying I'd arrived. I pulled in and walked to the only building on the premises. I was greeted by a sturdy and strong hug meant to truly welcome me. This woman was expecting me and and I almost cried at how wonderful that felt. I was given the tour and told where my room was - no key needed and just leave your check in the bowl at the front before you leave. Wow they are trusting. This actually helped set the tone for the entire retreat - one of trusting silence and acceptance. Two sweet docile dogs slowly look up our way as we walk past the hammocks and rocking chairs to see my room. Then it was time for lunch. So shortly after showing up I saw all the other guests at the Well for that day. Without needing to be told the norms, I stood in a circle expectantly with everyone else until 2 middle aged roundish women with short curly hair - one blond and one brown -  had us hold hands and led a prayer before we ate. The food was delicious and the conversation was minimal. Everything seemed to go slower there, but not in a frustrating way, more like in an intentional and respectful way. I excused myself when I was done and settled into my room. 

One of the many hammocks I spent quality time in

I was only going to be there 24 hours so I wanted to make the most of my time and set out on a trail behind the houses, along a creek. The prayer path takes about 45 minutes to walk straight through but I didn't get more than about 5 minutes before coming upon a hammock that I just had to sit in. It overlooked the water and was just a perfect setting to thank God for my time and the opportunity to be with Him in His creation. 

I went to the well out of a desire to stretch my spiritual life and not out of a specific need or crisis. This turned out not to matter, crisis or not, giving myself time to listen to God is transformative. I took my journal with me on my walk/hike and paused to reflect, confess and record what I felt like God was saying to me. It was such a special experience - just me and my God - that I don't want to write it all in a blog post. It seems too sacred and personal for that. I did want to reflect on it to say that I'm very glad I went and want to incorporate this into my self-care my whole life long. It's something worth saving a vacation day and money to do. 

Despite not going into detail in all the truths I was reminded of in my time at the Well, I do have some other anecdotal snippets to share from my time - 

1. The sheets smell just like at my grandma's house, which caught me by surprise and was such a sweet and tender association.
2. I got to go walking in nature, completely alone, with my morning coffee, and even got to talking out loud in the woods - with nobody around. I realized living in a city I don't have much opportunity to do that (and to still be safe and sane).
3. One of the dogs, Hunter, met me at one section of trail and led me through the woods for about 20 minutes before running off. It was surreal how he stayed with me and even guided me when I was at a fork in the path. I would have figured it out, but Hunter wanted to be my guide and nudged me the other direction. 
4. One of the sisters of Mercy who lives there reminded me of my great aunt and my Catholic roots, which was fun to incorporate into my adult faith journey. 
5. It is very quiet all around the Well (rightly so) and I thought I'd want my headphones to play a worship song at some point, but in fact - twice songs popped into my head and were a sweet prayer to Jesus. I even sang out loud in the woods. If you know me, you know I can't sing, so this was a comedic moment to share with God. 
6. They offer massages there but I opted not to use my time in that way. So when I got back to WS I decided to get a haircut, which for me is just as luxurious. Here's my new summer 'do :) 

So reconciliation with self got to be more important to me than I thought. I tend to give myself too much credit for being "self aware" and end up cutting God off from some of what he wants to say. Being at Well of Mercy gave me the space to hear from God and be restored in my soul. Hallelujah.